Finding sexual pleasure and representation in smut

Growing up, romance and intimacy were not discussed in my household. My parents divorced when I was three, and since then it's been a taboo subject because of the emotional toll the separation took on my family. Living in a small town, turning to my friends for relationship and sex advice was also not an option for fear of these conversations becoming selacious gossip. This made the internet my judgement-free zone, where I could read and learn about sex at my own pace.

Through fanfiction and smut, I read works that didn’t centre heterosexual leads for the first time, and it was exhilarating. These fictional characters in different worlds were roleplaying every scenario I had in my fantasies, from simple romantic dates to getting my shit rocked in bed.

Reading queer stories also allowed me to explore my sexuality beyond the heteronormative ideals pushed on me in movies and sex-ed classes. I finally found characters I could relate to without worrying about judgement from friends and family.I was just another reader online—I didn't exist. The only thing the authors knew about me was that I shared their passion for smut and sexual pleasure.

During my first year in university, my classmates talked openly in Whatsapp group chats about reading smut and fanfiction, sending recommendations to each other. It was very different from when I was in high school and never brought up smut or porn with my friends. I liked the sense of openness. Since then, I’ve become more open and don’t feel like I have to hide that I find pleasure in the works I read. I also feel more represented when reading smut as opposed to watching traditional porn, which is often male-oriented. Many straight men fetishize lesbian sex, which assumes women are objects for male pleasure, according to an article from Lustery. It’s easier for me to find characters like myself in queer or general non-heterosexual self-published smut than porn produced by big porn companies.


Smut is sexually explicit writing, usually in the form of erotic novels, fanfictions and even short Twitter threads. While erotica has been around since about the fifth century AD, more youth are talking openly about smut in young adult books and fanfiction because of TikTok, where many creators discuss and recommend their favourite works.

Beatrice Phan, a writer and Tiktoker who talks about smut, says reading smut and being publicly open about it has made her feel more comfortable in her own skin. She says when she was younger, she used to mold herself into someone she wanted others to like, never discussing smut or sexuality. Reading smut allowed her to move away from repressing her sexuality. “[I feel] more like myself,” she says.

Phan creates videos about erotic novels like The Original Sinners, The Brown Sisters and BJ Alex—all queer smut with Asian representation and different genres like omegaverse, an alternate universe in which males can get pregnant.

Through her content, she’s created an open, safe environment where TikTok users can comment and share their personal experiences. “It makes people realize it’s OK to talk about these things and realize they’re not alone in the world, and they can express themselves this way as well,” says Phan.
Growing up, she never really saw Asian characters in books, so she’d have to imagine herself in the plots of other characters. This is why one of the main themes in Phan’s content is promoting and encouraging her followers to diversify their readings with books featuring queer and Asian representation. “It’s important to show people that they can be happy too, they can have these stories as well, it’s not just these other [heterosexual, cisgender] people.”

Smut is more than just a way to indulge in your sexual preferences and kinks, but an opportunity to discover a range of diverse authors and characters not typically seen in traditional publishing and literature.

In a 2021 scholarly article published in Television & New Media, author Jennifer Duggan looks at two trans and genderqueer individuals' experiences with fanfiction. The study found that when individuals couldn’t find traditionally published books that mirrored their identities, fanfiction became a substitute. For one subject in the study, fanfiction provided important identity models for him to discover his sexuality—getting his sex education “largely from the fan world.”
Zara Alvi* accidentally discovered smut during her early teenage years while reading a Percy Jackson fanfiction. Since then, it’s become part of the fourth-year engineering student’s regular content consumption.

Reading smut has helped Alvi understand her own body, consent and romantic relationship dynamics more in-depth, too. While she doesn’t recommend reading smut as young as she did, she says it helped her discover her sexual preferences early on in her life. One of the reasons smut appeals to Alvi more than mainstream porn is that it’s more approachable and softer than other forms of the same material like video or audio porn, which she says can be overwhelming. She adds that the way in which people discuss porn can be vulgar and sexist.

“The context in which people talk about porn is so aggressive,” says Alvi. “It could be because of my program and the type of people in [it]. I find when my girls and I talk about smut, it’s definitely gentler, it’s friendlier and not as aggressive.” Alvi sees smut as a safe space for her to exist in as the writers from most of the works she reads come from a similar background and look more like her, as opposed to video porn which tends to centre white actors and be produced by white male directors.

With more than 10 erotic novels under her pen name, erotica writer Julie Matlin says although it’s not as overproduced as other pornography, one must remember that smut is only fantasy. When she watched the 2014 historical drama, Outlander, she said to herself during a sex scene that there’s no way a woman is orgasming that fast. Like video, written erotica can still be as unrealistic in terms of sex. This is why Matlin says, “it’s not a perfect solution,” for setting realistic expectations. While smut can offer avenues for readers to explore and express their sexualities, it’s important to remember that it is still fiction.

Matlin adds that she tries to make her characters as human and everyday as possible while still being hot and fun. “My characters will stumble through a sex scene, they’ll laugh through a sex scene.” She likes to add scenes that people can relate to in real life, like nipple and tongue piercings getting stuck on each other during a steamy moment.

Smut has the ability to allow us to both explore our sexualities and immerse ourselves in alternative realities we may have never dreamed of being a part of. From the comfort of my bed, I'm able to read both soft sex scenes or vicariously partake in my wildest fantasies through words written on a page.

I'm no longer searching for the words to describe my sexuality or preferences. I'm not hiding the fact that as a woman, I read smut and consume porn, because it's something almost all humans do regardless of gender or sexual preferences. If you find a place in this world that fits you and you feel safe to exist in—and it doesn't harm or fetishize anyone—that's a win in my books, and you shouldn't shy away from talking about it.

*Name has been changed to protect the source’s privacy and security